We Loathe Katamari
by ShawnJohn
Summary: A racy adventure in the cosmos!


"We Loathe Katamari"

a super-awesome fanfic by ShawnJohn

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NOW you can read this story complete with illustrations!

Just go to www . duke . edu / jhv2 / katamari / (without the spaces)

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"Faster, faster, oh YES!" screamed the Queen of the Cosmos in orgasmic pleasure. "Make it bigger, yeah, that's it!"

The King of the Cosmos worked furiously with both hands, rolling his katamari across the smooth, galaxy-sized nether regions of his beautiful lover. The bulk of the monstrous sphere consisted of hot, sticky sweat and giant deep sea crabs. The result was something sharp and stinging yet delightfully ticklish. He rolled it up, up, up, all the way up to the mountainous swell of her perfectly shaped breasts. Her chest heaved more and more heavily, her moans quickened and rose in pitch, until after one final yelp of pleasure she lay spent and smoldering on the soaking wet sheets.

"Baby, I haven't rolled like that since I was a teenager. Let's get this thang up into space." The King lifted the katamari up until it rose into the depths of the universe, a new shining star in the dark night sky. "I'll call it Orgasmostar, the Light of Pleasure."

The two lay in bed, smoking cigarettes and making small talk.

"It's a good thing that damn son of yours didn't interrupt this time."

The King laughed heartily with a mirth that shook the heavens.

"Well, considering the task I gave him THIS time, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't come back for a long, long while..."

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"When I get done rolling this thing, I'm gonna smoke the shit out of it."

The Prince of the Cosmos had good reason to be angsty; the King had given him a doozy of an assignment.

"Roll up all the Jews you can find. What is this, Double-You Double-You Two? I'm gonna have to break out my officer's uniform soon."

He had been rolling his katamari for days on end now. It had started out mere centimeters in size, so he couldn't start rolling Jews right off the bat. Oh no, he'd had to spend painful hours collecting dreidels, yarmulkas, and other Jew paraphenalia. It looked at first as though it would take years to get a human-sized katamari, but that was before he discovered the mountains upon mountains of Jew gold hidden away in one of their secret chambers. The gold coins and bars quickly amassed to a katamari at least ten meters in radius as he rolled it about like Scrooge McDuck in his money vault.

"Now," sniggered the Prince with a devilish gleam in his eye. "Time to roll me some Jews."

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Meanwhile, up in the infinite depths of the Cosmos, the King and Queen were busy getting down. ALL the way down.

"Talk to me dirty, baby," squealed the Queen in delight.

"How dirty do you want it?" inquired the King in his boundless wisdom.

"Japscat whore dirty, with all the trimmings!"

And that was all he needed to hear.

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The Prince was on a roll, too. But it wasn't a sensual, kinky sort of roll. It was a gruesome, violent roll through the Jew-laden bowels of Jerusalem. No matter where he pushed his golden katamari he picked up Jew after Jew. They screamed, they kicked, they ran as fast as their little Jew legs would carry them. But it was of no avail, for the Prince burned with a fiery passion that no Jew could assail. Rolling up Jews isn't at all like rolling up Jew gold, however. Jews are squishy and soft, prone to bursting and bleeding, and before long the Prince's katamari was a rolling globe of bloody, visceral suffering. Earlocks swung to and fro from the outskirts of the sphere, spraying blood across the holy land of Israel with wild, reckless abandon.

When the katamari had reached Jewpocalyptic proportions, the Prince raised his head to the sky and called for his father.

"Hmmmm. A very decent katamari, yes. There are a few stray Palestinians, but the Jewness is just right. We shall call it... the STAR OF DAVID."

And with that the King raised the katamari into the heavens, and it burst forth into a fierce, incandescent light. It was a beautiful conflagration, even if the smell was a tad bit disagreeable at first.

"Now scram, son. Your father is a little... busy," said the King with a meaningful wink, and he returned to doggy-style position.

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